I returned to my father’s court.
The next day and threw myself into anything that could distract me. Fortunately
for the country some of these distractions were useful and I learned much about
politics, warfare, and administration during that year.
Just
when I began to feel something like my old self Marcus came to court. It should
not have been a surprise, Marcus had not been to court since his father’s death
and politically a man as powerful as he was needed to spend at least some time
in the capital to ensure that the interests of the Northern lords were not
ignored. When I first heard them announced at a ball everything seemed to take
on a nightmarish quality and I left as soon as I could. They did not avoid me.
I avoided them. It was incredibly painful to see them looking so happy together
and everyone spoke well of them. It is, I suppose, a rather sad thing for the
state of marriage when the fact that a couple actually seems attached to each
other is a subject of gossip, but so it was.
I
hated seeing them, I hated hearing about them, but I realized what it was to
drink the dregs when I saw them with their son. He was about a year older than
you and somehow I blamed on Marcus the fact that I was deprived of both wife
and child. In my mind it should have been me with Alena raising you instead of
John. Perhaps I need to accept that even if I had married Alena our children
would not be you, that I could never have had both you and Alena. But I am a
dying man and I will not shatter my dream world where you are my son and Alena
my queen.
Shay came to court
too; the gossips, at least, said it was to find another husband. She tried to
see me and sent me messages, but I responded simply, saying it hurt too much to
be reminded of Alena. That was true but at the same time something about Shay
made me uneasy and I decided it was best to forget as much of my childhood as I
could. But forget I could not and I spent the nights writhing in my bed,
torturing myself with visions of Alena. This state of affairs could have gone
on indefinitely but mercifully for me Marcus and Alena returned home after only
a few months. According to the gossips this was due to Alena’s “delicate
condition”. I hated Marcus with all the fires of the under and over worlds.
Now that
everything has ended for me I wonder if I could have made my peace with Marcus
and Alena. If perhaps I did not have to lose Alena totally, if I could have had
her for a friend. Perhaps seeing her change from the sixteen year old I had
loved to a wife and mother would have softened my love to the point that I
could let it go. Or perhaps I would have simply spent my days and nights
burning with passion for another man’s wife, causing all three of us
unendurable pain.
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