Lianna: Chapter 1

Sometimes a child is born lacking...lacking something essential. A child will come from the womb missing a hand or perhaps with a shriveled arm. Other times the lack is less visible. Lianna had always felt that she lacked something. She was born without any physical deformity, in fact she, with her long yellow plats and her slim waist, was quite beautiful. But she always had the feeling that she was incomplete, like someone had fallen asleep while putting her together and woken with not enough time to add the finishing touches. Something held her apart from her large, affectionate family. It was as if a sheet of glass had been erected to celebrate her birth and she could not get around it.

Alexander made no difference between Elwin, Lianna's full-sister, and his blood children but with Lianna there was always a constraint that nothing could allay. And with all his duties of state he had not time to force his affection on a step daughter who seemed to find his mere presence distasteful when he had seven other children in need  of attention.

Sometimes Lianna would catch her mother staring at her with something like terror. She saw something of the father in Lianna's pale face and that was enough to give her nightmares. Even Lying next to Alexander, crowned prince of the largest country known, even surrounded by her children, born of the second happier marriage, even surrounded by her husband’s many guards, Judy el Laratious could not completely forget all she had suffered at the hands of her first husband in the frozen north of her homeland.

Everyone expected Lianna to be close to Elwin, they did after all share a father, a name day, even a face, but the glass wall held even between them. Do not be mistaken Lianna loved her twin as she loved very few people, though she did not see quite how much until she was faced with the possibility of losing her sister, but that is another tale and long enough on its own. It is enough to say Lianna loved Elwin but the twins shared no secrets. Elwin's chief confidant was their half sister Judy and Lianna confided in no one.

The thing that Lianna was missing should have allowed her to connect with people. She could love but she was incapable of really knowing anyone and consequently no one really knew her. As time went on even love came hard to her because the truth, the hideous truth, was that something, something else, something dark had grown up to replace the thing she should have been born with.

There was a darkness inside her, a little knot that she could push down but not destroy. A blackness that gave her an almost physical pleasure at the pain of others, that made kindness hard and love painful. She had learned how to push it down, how to live with the darkness inside her, but it kept her apart too much, from apart from her mother who could only wish she was more like Elwin and less like her father, apart from her stepfather who had his own children and a kingdom to keep him away from his strange step daughter, even from  Elwin, who was a constant reminder of what she would be. It separated her because the thing that scared her most about the darkness was what it could turn love into.

It was hard living with Elwin, like a cripple who sees a vision of what he would be were he whole. Because Lianna's identical twin was so obviously not lacking whatever Lianna had never had. Elwin had plenty of suitors, being the stepdaughter of the future king did not hurt in such matters, but Lianna never had more than vague proposals from elderly lord's looking for a young, well connected second wife. Elwin had a large group of friends and several very close ones. Lianna had only acquaintances who she could speak to on nothing more meaningful than the weather.

And so it was not surprising when, at eighteen, the charming, beautiful, well-loved daughter of the crowned prince was engaged to a young man of large fortune and good birth, known for his chivalry and kindness. Elwin simply glowed with love and happiness. She had never looked quite so beautiful, or so different from her sister. While the rest of the family arranged the wedding, they bride's twin had refused to be in the wedding party on the grounds that it wouldn't be proper to have any confusion about who the bride was, Lianna made other arrangements. As soon as her sister was married she planned to be gone. Gone from the family she could not truly be part of, gone to fulfill an oath her mother had made years ago, gone as far from her sister as she could manage.

No one could deny that Elwin was a beautiful bride. Her blond, shoulder-length hair had been braided around with pearls and covered with a priceless veil that had belonged to her mother. The dress itself covered her delicate figure with modesty and beauty. She was young, only nineteen, but she had been in love for four years and she glowed with both love and happiness. She was escorted by her stepfather, the crowned prince of Mixupland, in full military uniform. Her betrothed was obviously nervous but even more clearly happy. He was only two years older than her but on his father’s death he would inherit enough to keep Elwin in prosperity for many years. His title would also help but neither of them seemed to care about either of those things.

The bride’s mother was still beautiful though now some grey had sneaked into her golden hair. She wore a dress of pale pink silk and sat in the front with her brother’s family. Caleb, himself had not been able to attend the wedding of his niece as something had come up in his own kingdom and he had sent his wife and oldest son in his place. His wife being the sister of the step father of the bride they were thus doubly related.

Alexander had never looked so proud as when he walked his stepdaughter down the aisle to where her bridegroom awaited her. Elwin’s half-sisters were lined up in the front as her attendants along with several school friends, each prettier than the next though none could compare to the bride herself. In fact the only member of Elwin’s family not in a place of honor in the ceremony was the bride’s only full sister.

Most people thought Lianna had skipped the service altogether as she was not in the front row with her mother and the rest of the royal family. They were wrong. Lianna, though it the back with a pale green veil covering her face, was paying far closer attention than anyone else to the proceedings. She knew one good thing about herself, one thing in the sea of darkness and selfishness that was herself. She knew that she would die for the sister who shared her face. She knew that despite all the times she had coveted everything that Elwin had, their parent’s full love, friends, lovers. She knew that beyond a shadow of a doubt and it freed her from the life-long fear that she was incapable of love. So by some twist of logic this fact forced her to watch the wedding with fierce concentration. When finally Elwin and her new husband were pronounced man and wife Lianna let out a sigh. As if relived that the deed was done and that there was no going back. For Lianna too had made a decision which only Elwin could have perhaps changed.

*             *             *

               When Lianna told her step father of her plan to return to the land of her birth he looked confused. “Are you unhappy here?” He asked gently, he was always gentle with her.

               “No sir, I just feel that my time here is done.”

               “Your mother and I would l be sad to see you go.”

               “You will have Judy and Daisy and Ana and Natalie.”

               “We will not have you.”

               “I am eighteen. Most girls my age are marrying and moving on. I have no one in mind but still I think it is time I learn something about life outside these wall.”

               “Daughter, these wall were never meant as a prison.”

               “I know, father, I know.”

               He bowed his head. “Go then, your uncle sails in three days time and I will arrange you’re passage.”

               She thanked her stepfather and left quickly as if afraid that he would change his mind. But Alexander was not so changeable and the next day all the arrangements had been made and all of Lianna’s siblings had been told that she was leaving. Daisy was the first of her siblings to seek her out.

The ten year old cocked her head oddly, her bright, perfectly formed blue eyes narrowed. “You’re not coming back are you?”

The words struck Lianna like a blow, of course she was coming back. “I’ll be back.”

Daisy’s perfectly smooth brow furrowed. Lianna had never understood her half-sister. Everything about Daisy’s appearance was perfect. And though she was only ten, men said looking at her was like looking at the sun. The problem, though, with looking at the sun is that after a few moments you had to look away.  At ten most girls began to grow awkward and lose their complexions, even Judy for all her beauty had been a sight at twelve. And she was odd, she didn’t always act like a child and sometimes she knew thing, things no one should be able to know.

Daisy’s eyes probed her face. “Listen, the place you’re going, it’s dark and there’s black magic and something is breeding there, something evil.”

“You’re saying I shouldn’t go?”

“No.” Daisy said that quickly and with force. “If you don’t go something terrible will happen. Just…just, be careful.”

The words made Lianna shiver. “Alright.” She had never known what to say to the odd ten-year-old.

Lianna hugged her half-sister and took her leave. Lianna had already bid her other half siblings goodbye but neither the tears on Judy’s pretty face, nor the tight hug of little Rachel could convince her that she had ever been part of that big family.  They might feel remorse at her leaving but no more so than if they had lost a favorite maid. She was not one of them and never would be.